madpole.com

Bloody Hell.. it just occured to me that I just treat myself as a mirror.. reflector thinggie… I do things in order to see how I will react to them.. sort of delayed mirror thinggie… I do something cruel to see how well I can cope with my own cruelty… I do something seemingly selfless to see how selfish I really am… I don’t take my high bloody pressure pills to see what a stroke will do to me… da bottom line being a little bit krazy, and I do krazy things to see how mad and mentally unstable I REALLY am….

I WANT TO GET TO KNOW BETTER THE PERSON IN ME I DONT WANT TO BE. THE MURDERED. THE RAPIST. THE CRIMINAL. THE SELFISH. THE NOT-CARING. THE DISGUSTING. THE SMELLY. THE UGLY. THE FAT. THE MESSED UP. THE LONELY. THE DESPARATE. THE DANGEROUS. THE PSYCHOPATH. THE CRUEL. THE SEXIST. THE AGIST. SELF-CENTERED. DISORGANIZED. CHILDISH. IMMATURE. LACKING COMPASSION. FEELING SORRY FOR ONESELF. BEING CARELESS ABOUT ONE’S PHISICAL WELL BEING. BEING CARELESS ABOUT ONE’S MENTAL WELL BEING. BEING CARELESS ABOUT ONE’S SPIRITUAL WELL BEING. BEING CARELESS ABOUT ONE’S SOCIAL WELL BEING. BEING CARELESS ABOUT ONE’S ENNVIRONMENTAL WELL BEING. BEING CARELESS ABOUT ONE’S WORK-RELATED WELL BEING. BEING CARELESS…

Maybe it is about compassion. Maybe, in order to accept what one hates about oneself, one has to get to know it well, the motives, the reasons, one has to become intimate, passionate and compassionate towards one’s hates, embrace them, manage them and feed them with Love… Personal Demons can only be tamed by Love and Resolve… only then they will be happy dancing around, making Love Not War…

But it also could be that this is some messed up, over-spiritualism, “I am not my body”.. my body, my brain, my thinking, my emotions, they are just artistic material to be experimented with, instrument players in the orchestra so the maestro can learn his trade, clogs in the machine, none of them being important, the relation between them being vital….

There is also, very unlikely of course, possiblity that all of this stuff is just pure laziness and nothing deeper than that. But own grave diggers are not interested in the shallow…