Corporate Monster is a Self without a body or individual identity…. it is a balancing act of violent frictions between many huge Egos brushing against each other that make Corporate company seem consistent and full of unique identity and vision…..

And I probably trust the people in my guild, many of who I don’t even know, more than just about any other community of people that I know, much more than my business community

…people who have MBAs are typically bad leaders…

I’ll jump straight into an example:

A CEO takes over some department. Why does he do it? In order to prove himself on new grounds, in order to make himself known so he can move higher up in corporate structure. How is he going to do that? By enlarging his department - size DOES matter. In order to do that, if he is a proper Machiavellian follower - all he needs to do is to start a chain reaction, start the fire - then the fire will take care of itself….
So in order to do that, he has to convince his boss that he’s got a great vision, and if this vision works, his boss will shift higher up the corporate ladder as well. And that the vision is so big, it cannot possibly fail, because its very size will keep it alive. Why does he need his boss? For initial finance, for money as well as a chain reaction fuse, a source of power leverage: he needs to win his boss’s interest so his boss will then win his’s boss’s interest…..
Now, after this lengthy introduction… let the orgy begin:

Our CEO gets financial and political backing from his powers to be. He then chooses the worst possible, most cumbersome and outage prone computer system available. Why? Because the worse the system, the more it will cost to maintain it - and let us not forget that the only and only aim of this game is money and nothing else.
The computer system requires a lot of maintenance. CEO departmental budget keeps increasing, year in, year out. At the same time, another offensive is taking place: on user community. The pressure is being put, through the CEO’s superiors, on more and more business communities to adopt and embrace the new system. The reasoning is simple: “Look, we invested so much money in this system already that we will make it a popular choice of business whether you like it or not, so get on it now because we badly need your money to make it even better and working for you.”

Now the chain reaction has been initiated. The fire has been started and one can now wait patiently, enjoying its ever increasing warmth. The more businesses use the rubbish system as their main and business critical application - the more desperate they will become to make it work properly and to their satisfaction - and therefore the more money they will be prepared to throw in … just to keep their businesses running. And finally it will become more important to them than to CEO’s “Technology Department” to keep this system running, he can therefore relax, and watch the fire sparks dancing joyfully, whilst his department is rapidly fattening up, growing in staff as well as assets such as hardware etc…. Because Business begs him to employ more people. Because Business begs him to buy more and higher spec hardware.

I find it quite hilarious that this model, which so instantly lights up in one’s mind a light labelled “extortion” is so commonly spread and known about and yet it continues to be most widely used method of doing a business on a large scale, and nobody seems to be able to stop it. This, I guess, is because, in reality, both sides always win, so there never is anybody who would be willing to reject such unspoken agreements.

Take Private Eye’s pet subject: Government Department hiring the same contractors that failed it before over and over again. If a hired agency fails to deliver - it will be given more money to solve the problem. Agency wins. Government Department spent more money on the project: hence its budget has been increased. Government Department wins.

Of course, somebody must be bearing the cost of having 2 winners, and that is, of course, poor Tax Payer. The brilliancy of this “trick” lies in the fact that the transaction is always agreed to between 2 winners, the loser never having any choice on the matter.

Talk about Consumer Choice in Democratic Society, eh?

Even then the Goverment will always strongly argue that, even if Tax Payer is the payer, Society, on the whole, MUST BE a winner, because, although consultant’s £1,000 fee might appear excessive on the surface of things, the economy his employment generates is worth much, much more than that, and everybody knows that increased economy means more jobs and better wages for all of us, winners.

And our CEO? He will go to his bosses and say:
“Look. I have proven that now I can handle 20 times more what I handled few years ago. So geme somethin’ larger to handle and I will make it even larger for you.”
And of course they will give it to him.
Because, if he and few others like him succeed, they will be able to go to their bosses and say:
“Look. I have proven that now I can handle 20 times more what I handled few years ago. So geme somethin’ larger to handle and I will make it even larger for you.”
And of course they will give it to them.
Because…..

SIZE is the only thing

that matters

(:o

Amen

What are Corporate Philosophics?

Corporate Philosophics is a system of beliefs, behavioural and thinking patterns whose only goal and purpose is profit.

Though no single definition of Corporate Philosophics has, as yet, emerged, and the field has historically expanded and changed depending on the value of FTSE Index, as well as the fragile state of emerging markets and economies, it is generally agreed that Corporate Philosophics is an industrial process, rather than a set of claims, propositions, or theories.

Its ideology, strategy and long term vision are based on 10 fundamental principles:

1. “Long Term Vision” is short for “Short Term Intermediary Strategic Strategy-Bridging Solution”
2. The whole Universe was born out of Chaos. So what’s new?
3. Productivity tools create additional and unexpected workload, which has to be countered for by increasing workers’ productivity
4. If a Consultant gets it wrong - it simply means that nobody can get it right. Not even your competition
5. In order to know your competition intimately all you have to do is to make the same mistakes they make
6. There is no Right or Wrong - only Credit or Debit
7. People are your most valuable assets because, like deadly toxic substances, they are very expensive to upkeep and handle
8. If in doubt - hire another Consultant
9. The Only Way To Increase Workers’ Productivity is by inflating their Egos
10. If everything else fails - it is high time to employ another Consultant!

Those 10 fundamental principles, rather than a set of claims, propositions, or theories, have been passed over from generations to generations across Board Meeting Tables wide-wordly and world-widely since the invention of Da Wheel, which invariably led to invention of a coin. The variety of the actual content of those principles, as well as their personal interpretations have always varied as widely as the very Board Meeting Tables, Arthur’s Round Table, yet another Da Wheel’s descendant, being probably most widely known of them all. Tables that is, not fundamental principles, for of that Arthur had none, seeing only a Holy Grail in his mad eyes, and therefore a perfect candidate for the Corporate Philosophic to be.

It is probably all too tempting, at this instant point in time my dear reader, to arrive to a comfortable assumption that “Corporate Philosophics” are “I am different” fancy Ego-gratifying term for “Corporate Philosophy”, consequently please forgive me but it is my most humbly obliged duty to warn You that nothing could be further from the Truth. Not even The Sun.

One old Granny, not very old then, used to say: “If you want to understand the difference between philosophy and philosophics my dear grandson” she used to say, beating the monkeys out of butter, on the sunny evenings, sitting on the porch, or making what we call “white cheese”, although it doesn’t require much making, because it kind of makes itself most of the time, fermenting, hanging and then squeezed under a stone so it doesn’t escape. “If you want to understand the difference between philosophy and philosophics my dear grandson” she used to say “then think of a gain, think of WHAT IT IS FOR!”. And this, in my entire and sincere honesty, was and still is the best advice I have received from an elderly blood relative ever!

Whereas philosophy examines the process of inquiry itself, Corporate Philosophical inquiry focuses all its efforts on examination of profits and profits only, putting into operation some randomly chosen processes, strategies, ideologies and conflicting personalities, in order to observe what such a perfectly chaotic set of managerial incompetence on all levels would have on the Big Bang, i.e. Bonus Day.

Whether a Philosopher seeks the Truth and the Truth only, and is therefore, not unlike Japanese Samurai, ready to defend his point of view faithfully and valiantly regardless of any evidence to the contrary (or lack of any evidence whatsoever, as it was more often a case than not in good old Samurai days) , Philosophic is not very much unlike a physics scientist, trying to create a Cold Fusion, or Hot Fusion, or Supernova or something “Big Bangy” anyway, in a very controlled environment, something that would make him Rich and Famous.

The Parody here is red-hot-poker intense. A scientist trying to create an organized chaos, from which order would emerge. Every single time. Trying to create a Spontaneous, Creative and Unfallible Chaos, by means of using non-creative and repetitive machines and laboratory assistants, with a set of randomly selected scientific theories thrown in for an element of not-so-obviously-deterministic-failure Uknown.

Now let’s march quickly back to Philosophics while this poker is still red-hot. It is the same, same old story, ain’t it? Both Laboratory Scientist and Philosophic spend most of their time organizing an experiment they know is very unlikely to work. Then they execute the experiment. This, the most important part of the process, takes ironically the least of their time. No sexual innuendos please. Then they spend the 2nd largest portion of their time on the 3rd stage of process - gathering and analysing evidence proving, beyond any reasonable doubt, that the experiment has unfailably failed yet again.

And perhaps we stumbled here on the first very strong characteristic of a Philosophic here: “the gambler” or “Sisyphus” if You like - a person who is not discouraged by endless and seemingly senseless repetition, who, like a devoted Lottery player, brushes off all other moments for the inclusive living of the very short moments of potential, even though unlikely win, no sexual innuendos please, and by wisely and strategically positioning himself as close to trough as possible, ever increasing his lower spectrum of odds. Waiting Patiently and Going Through Da Motions is the name of the game here.

This and trying to control the Chaos in an intelligent, creative way. Dream of reaching a melting point of Chaos, the Big Bang, when all chaotic prons and cons accidentally and coincidently nullify each other, creating thus, for the very first time, a perfect harmony, striking a primordial cord, a sound, a music, from which they have learnt already, and then the Chaotic State of Nirvana would be reached, and from that point onward, the chaos would progressively organize itself over time, more and more, for it would have no choice, now that it has learnt the sweet taste of Karmatic Chaos, and therefore evil ways of self-correction and selfish strive towards a God, i.e. towards self-organizational Perfection

Dream On and Sweet Dreams!

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What are Philosophics? First of all, and with all due respect to my limited knowledge of English language and skimpy scientific research I conducted on the World Wide Web using variety of well established sources of knowledge such as Google and wikipedia, it transpired that the word ” Philosophics” is not officially recognized, nor legally binding English word, but instead, it is meaningless word, homeless to the world of precise and witty meanings, and therefore condemned to meaningless life full of meaningless misuse and/or abuse.

Inexperienced, arrogant and/or romantic virtual surfer might, as often happens, question this total meaninglessness, proclaiming with a smug triumph glass-painted on his naive, dumb, “is there anybody there?” protective googles, that a word which was used a staggering 2,910 times according to Google cannot possibly be meaningless, and that such assertions are therefore a contradiction in terms, fundamentally flaw logic, in violation to the 2nd Thermal Law, possibly 2nd Commandment as well and hence one of the new modern Deadly Sins.

Such reasoning is, however, imbued with mis-factual arrogant laziness, so characteristic of inexperienced, arrogant and/or romantic virtual surfers, because it takes only to Google up the word “cunt” to discover that 2,910 hits is, but a meaningless droplet of water, comparing with vast, even though finite, ocean of 10,300,000 hits, with its very own Google’s “definition” link in the right top corner as well.

Having clearly, if somewhat briefly, defined the meaning and the purpose of the word ” Philosophics” it would seem quite natural, intuitional and sensible to examine now the meaning of the term “Corporate Philosophics”, a burning question which, for the very reasons stated already in this sentence, we are going to address on the next web page.

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I declare this Institute open(ed).
And I declare this entry edit(ed).

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